


The jellicle_girl chronicles

by JestaAriadne (still_intrepid)



Category: Cats - Andrew Lloyd Webber
Genre: Ensemble Cast, Fandom Allusions & Cliches & References, Gen, Script Format, Throwback, author insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-10-11
Updated: 2001-10-23
Packaged: 2019-05-21 04:39:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14908493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/still_intrepid/pseuds/JestaAriadne
Summary: Three classic tales, now collected in one bumper volume!!!!...Whatever happened to the proud tradition of script format fic in which the author tries to cajole the reluctant cast of characters into performing the story anyway?  do they still do them?





	1. jellicle_girl's 1st CATS fanfic

#####  MY FIRST CATS FANFIC by Jellicle_girl

**SCENE ONE**

[It was a beatiful sunny day in the junkyard, everyone was enjoying themselves in the sun which was shining brightly on the sun baked earth. A car purred into the entrance of the junkyard.]

TANTOMILE to AUTHOR:-

AUTHOR: What? TANTOMILE to AUTHOR???

TANTOMILE to AUTHOR: Yes. I know you're there. I object to the sacreligious use of the word "purr" in conjunction with a car. And have you READ that first sentence??

CORICOPAT to AUTHOR: I agree. ESPECIALLY considering what that car is going to do.

AUTHOR: Especially considering what tha- How do you know what the car is going to do? And hang on a sec, don't you two talk in unison the whole time?

TANTOMILE & CORICOPAT (in unison): Of course not!

[TANTOMILE and CORICOPAT glare at each other]

TANTOMILE: Well not always.

AUTHOR: ANYWAY, how do you know what the car is going to do?

TANTOMILE: It's supposed to run me over!!! You'd think I should know about something important like that!

CORICOPAT : We read your notes. We know the whole story.

AUTHOR: But I don't have any notes!

CORICOPAT: That's a bit stupid! We read your mind then.

AUTHOR: But I haven't planned this fic properly!

CORICOPAT: Also stupid.

AUTHOR: But- how can you know the whole story if I haven't written it?????

TANTOMILE and CORICOPAT: The subconscious holds many secrets hidden from the waking mind.

AUTHOR: The subconcsious.... right... *shakes herself* Well, now how about you two shut up and let me get on with the fic?

TANTOMILE: And get me run over? No way!

AUTHOR: You wouldn't DIE or anything like that. You'd just be in serious pain-

TANTOMILE: *makes annoyed incredulous noises*

AUTHOR: -and everyone would be upset and CORICOPAT would cry-

CORICOPAT: I would NOT!

AUTHOR: -and pray for a miraculous recovery, and it would so SWEET!

TANTOMILE & CORICOPAT: Um, really....

AUTHOR: OK, OK, scratch the getting run over bit, I'll come up with something else.

[VICTORIA materializes]

VICTORIA to CORICOPAT & TANTOMILE: Hey! Who's that you're talking to?

TANTOMILE: Some stupid human who's trying to get me run over!

VICTORIA: Wha?

CORICOPAT: The AUTHOR, dear.

AUTHOR: NO NO NO!! I'm not here, go and get on with your lives!

VICTORIA: Oh right, (narrows eyes) So it's YOU!!! (cheerfully) Hi!

AUTHOR: Go AWAY! Go and find Mistoffelees and cheer him up cos he's discovered his past is shrouded in shadow and deceit.

All cats: WHAT?

AUTHOR: Well, it usually is....

VICTORIA: Unh-unh. Wait a sec. If this is another me and Misto thing- Come on! You guys expect me to desert my true love for my brother???

AUTHOR: Your WHAT???

VICTORIA: Misto's my brother you idiot!

[TANTOMILE & CORICOPAT snigger]

TANTOMILE: It took you fic authors long enough to realise!

VICTORIA: Yeah, you've got no idea how embarrassing some of things we've had to do have been!

AUTHOR: OK, OK, we'll scratch the Misto/Vici thing too....

TANTOMILE: So what ARE you going to do?

CORICOPAT: And what on earth has Macavity got to do with Tantomile getting squished or Vici and Misto-

AUTHOR: Macavity??

TANTOMILE: Yup. Here he comes now.

AUTHOR: Oh yeah, this bit. OK, back into fic mode. Wait a sec! We need Demeter.

[DEMETER appears]

TANTOMILE & CORICOPAT (singing): "I believe it is you-ng Dem-ee-ee-ter."

TANTOMILE: WHAT was that???

AUTHOR (whispering): Shuddup!

DEMETER (sounding bored): "Macavity." You know, I really think some of the passion's gone out of that phrase....

MACAVITY (reading off a script): "Ha. Ha. Ha."

AUTHOR: Hey, where'd you get that?

MACAVITY: I printed it off the internet. You got a problem? It's much more organized this way.

DEMETER "Screams."

AUTHOR (exasperated): DEMETER!!! You're supposed to actually SCREAM!!

DEMETER Sorry, sorry... "aaaah".

[AUTHOR sighs]

MACAVITY (getting into character slightly): "Ha ha ha! Come with me, Demeter!"

DEMETER "Never!"

[MACAVITY advances towards Demeter and unsheathes claws in a menacing fashion]

TANTOMILE: Menacing Fashion? What are we going for here? 80's dress??

VICTORIA (to CORICOPAT and TANTOMILE): So...someone please explain: why aren't we trying to stop Macavity?

CORICOPAT: Dunno.... that would be the sensible thing, but we might actually beat him and then the Author wouldn't get to do the whole Demeter and Mac thing, so...

AUTHOR: Argh! You three are still here? Go away! Vanish!

[CORICOPAT, TANTOMILE & VICTORIA vanish]

CORICOPAT (while vanishing): You realise that this is now totally unrealistic? Why on earth would the Queen of Paranoia Demeter by wandering ALONE near the outside of the junkyard?

AUTHOR: Didn't I tell you to vanish? Shoo!

CORICOPAT (invisible): I HAVE vanished.

AUTHOR: Well shut up then!

MACAVITY: Ahem! ME! My big scene!

AUTHOR: Oh yeah right. Continue.

MACAVITY: "If you won't come with me then I'll have to take you by force!!!!"

CORICOPAT (still invisible): Isn't it amazing where logical thinking can get you?

AUTHOR: SHUT UP!!!

DEMETER "Never!" Uh... didn't I just say that?

[MACAVITY advances further.]

DEMETER Hey! Too close, back off!

AUTHOR: At least ACT scared!

[DEMETER stumbles nervously backwards, unable to breathe properly]

AUTHOR: Hey, that's pretty good!

DEMETER It's not fear- it's the smell! Not ONE of you fic authors have been kind enough to give Macavity a wash!

[AUTHOR sighs heavily]

AUTHOR: OK. Go on.

[MACAVITY picks up DEMETER]

[DEMETER slaps him]

DEMETER Hey! Mind where you put those paws! Couldn't you just give me a piggy back or something?

MACAVITY: OK.

[MACAVITY bends down so DEMETER can climb onto his back]

[AUTHOR bangs head on computer screen]

DEMETER OK, that's much better... I mean: "Aah! Let me go you monster!"

MACAVITY: "Never!"

DEMETER Isn't "never" becoming a teensy bit overused? "HELP ME!! SOMEBODY SAVE ME!!!"

[BOMBALURINA comes running towards them.]

BOMBALURINA: "Demeter? Is that you?"

[BOMBALURINA sees MACAVITY and stops dead.]

[BOMBALURINA dies.]

AUTHOR: NOOOO!! Not literally!!!

BOMBALURINA: Too late.

AUTHOR: I thought you were dead?

BOMBALURINA: Yeah, I am.

AUTHOR: Right... OK, we'll just cut to the next scene....    

 

**SCENE TWO**

[The sky was dark and overcast with dark clouds which darkly clouded the gloomy alleyway which was Macavity's home.]

CORICOPAT: Talk about subjective weather!! And- argh! Just give up writing these scene setters, will you??

AUTHOR: SHHHUUUUTTT UUUUPPPP!!!!!

DEMETER to MACAVITY: Well if you really want to know, I think Victoria really has it for the Great Rumpus Cat and Jemima is seriousl- Oh- right, we're back.

MACAVITY: "Hee hee hee." Um excuse me?? ... that's Rumpelteazer. The Napoleon of Crime does NOT go hee hee hee!

AUTHOR: I thought it added variation?!

DEMETER "Aaaah! Someone please help me!!"

MACAVITY: "There's no one who can hear you, my sweet."

CORICOPAT: Oh really? Hi everyone, its me!!! I'm still here! Oh! this is so much fun, I'm totally screwing the plot up-

AUTHOR: SSSSSHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTT UUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPP!!!!!!!

[MACAVITY carries DEMETER (piggyback still) down the alley.]

MACAVITY: You're getting heavy! Doesn't anyone have any consideration for the Hidden Paw's poor back?

DEMETER I could just walk.

AUTHOR: NO! NO NO NO! You could NOT just walk!! It looks stupid enough as it is!!

DEMETER & MACAVITY: Fine....

[They descend steps into dark gloomy Lair]

CORICOPAT: What, darker and gloomier than the dark cloud darkly clouded dark alley?

AUTHOR & CORICOPAT: SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTT UUUUUPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CORICOPAT: JINX!!! Ha! Got you! Now you can't talk until someone says your name and we can get on with our lives!

DEMETER Phew.

MACAVITY: Whoo hoo! No more AUTHOR!!

CORICOPAT: NNNNOOOOO!!!! You idiot!

AUTHOR: I'm back! Thanks, Macavity.

[DEMETER cuffs MACAVITY hard around the head and he falls down]

AUTHOR: Hey! Stop that. He's supposed to be abusing you, not the other way round!

MACAVITY: Yeah! Owch....

[Rubs head. Picks DEMETER up again and stumbles down steps into his lair.]

[Inside Macavity's lair. It was-]

CORICOPAT: Don't you dare describe it!!!!!

DEMETER "Please... let me go. I'll do anything...." Wait a second... that makes no sense AT ALL!!

MACAVITY: Oh you will, will you, darling?

READER: Hey! That wasn't in quotation marks!! Ha! You made a mistake!! Ha!

AUTHOR: No, actually I don't think that was on the script

MACAVITY: Nope. (proudly) I made it up.

DEMETER Eugh! You-

MACAVITY: Well look what IS on the script!

[DEMETER reads script]

DEMETER Eugh! That's really disgusting! I'm not doing that!!

MACAVITY: I think the idea was that you didn't have much choice, but.

AUTHOR: It's not THAT bad! You've done much worse in your time!

MACAVITY: Well.... it was OK the first few times....

DEMETER (shrieking): MacAVITY!

AUTHOR: OK... we'll pass that up for now.... Hey! DEMETER!!!!

[DEMETER is attacking MACAVITY]

[MUNKUSTRAP appears]

AUTHOR: Hey! Where did you come from?

[MUNKUSTRAP looks around]

MUNKUSTRAP: I dunno. Didn't think this out very carefully, did you? Oh right. "I must save Demeter!"

[Looks skeptically at scene on floor.] Actually, it looks like Macavity needs more help right now...

AUTHOR (growling): Munkustrap.... just fight him...

MUNKUSTRAP: FIGHT him???

AUTHOR: Pretend to...?

[MUNKUSTRAP jumps on MACAVITY. It is very confused as to who is fighting who....]

MUNKUSTRAP: OWWWWW!!!

[DEMETER moves knee]

DEMETER Oh sorry, was that you, Munkustrap?

MUNKUSTRAP: Yes!

MACAVITY: And so it would have been OK if it was me??

DEMETER & AUTHOR: Yes! You're the bad guy.

MACAVITY: But... what if I don't wanna be the bad guy anymore? You know I'm really... *sniffs* not all I'm hyped up to be....*chokes* It wasn't my fault.... I don't know where it went wrong....*swallows* All I really want....

[CORICOPAT pulls red velvet curtain over scene which also magically blocks off the sound.]

CORICOPAT: Why don't we call it a day, before we get into "Macavity's True Story: The True Story of Macavity's True and Tragic Life"????

AUTHOR: Hmmm...now there's an idea for a title.... But WAIT!!! We can't end the story here!!!

All CATS: WHY NOT???

AUTHOR: Cos we need to have a big romantic kiss!!!

CORICOPAT: Cats can't kiss, by the way.

AUTHOR: Yes they can. This is my fic and I say they can. Now kiss him!!!

CORICOPAT: Who, me?

AUTHOR: No! Munkustrap!

CORICOPAT: MUNKUSTRAP KISS MACAVITY?????

AUTHOR: NO NO NO NO!!! Demeter and Munkustrap kiss!

[DEMETER & MUNKUSTRAP look at each other. Not an at all romantically inclined glance]

DEMETER Um... well.... No.

AUTHOR: No? Don't tell me YOU'RE brother and sister too?

DEMETER What?

AUTHOR: Never mind. But we have to have a big romantic kiss!!!

CORICOPAT: Alright then.

[VICTORIA and THE GREAT RUMPUS CAT appear. They kiss passionately.]

CORICOPAT: Happy now?

[AUTHOR collapses]  

**THE END!!!**


	2. Chapter 2

INTRODUCTION

[All cats are gathered together in middle of junkyard. The sky might be scarlet for all we know since Jellicle_girl has vowed never to describe the weather again after the first fic]

AUTHOR: Right. Listen up. Since this whole fanfic business did not go too well last time, I've decided to give you some incentive. If you cooperate, I'll give you catnip afterwards.

JENNYANYDOTS: Excuse me! Are you trying to foster dangerous addictions in our kittens?

AUTHOR (genuinely confused): Dangerous addictions???

[JENNY shakes head at the author's ignorance]

VICTORIA: Quite honestly, I'm surprised you came back!

AUTHOR: Well, as you can see, I've taken certain _precautions_ this time.

[Everyone turns to look at CORICOPAT and TANTOMILE who are tied up and gagged in a corner.]

CORICOPAT (mind-to-mind to TANTOMILE): As soon as this fic's over, we're going to the RSPCA!

TANTOMILE: You bet.

[JENNY raises paw]

AUTHOR: Yes?

JENNY (flicking through a script): I've been reading through this-

AUTHOR (mutters): Never worked out how you get a script before I've even written the story properly...

JENNY: What's that, dear? Oh, from the in-ter-net (pronounces word proudly and carefully) Electra's been showing me. It's really rather clever, isn't it? Anyway, I'm concerned that some of this material is not very kitten friendly!

AUTHOR: Well... the kittens don't have to see, do they?

JENNY: Yes, but-

Electra: "Jenny, Jenny! The mice just ran out of baby blue wool!" (looks at AUTHOR) _What_ did I just say??

[JENNY runs off, grabbing knitting bag on the way out.]

AUTHOR: There, now she's out of the way.

ELECTRA: Right... very clever...

AUTHOR: Anyway, in this fic we will discover.... (dramatic pause)

TUMBLEBRUTUS: YAAAAAWWWWNN!!!!

AUTHOR (glares at TUMBLEBRUTUS) Who is the true love of the Rum Tum Tugger's life!

[All the cats look rather unimpressed. Except TUGGER.]

TUGGER: Alright! A fic starring me! Start queuing up ladies!

MUNKUSTRAP (sceptically): You mean that we'll get to discover who the author wants Tugger's true love to be?

AUTHOR: Well-

MUNKUSTRAP: It's Bombalurina, isn't it?

AUTHOR: Well- yes, but-

BOMBA: Noooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! NOOOOO!!! Not AGAIN! I've done this so many times... I don't think I can take the torment... Please... I don't have to kiss him again do I?

AUTHOR: Well, actually that was the plan...

TUGGER: I'd have thought you'd welcome the chance, Bomb!

BOMBA: Oh shut up. And as for YOU! (glares at AUTHOR) What have you got against me? I mean, you made me DIE in your first fic!

AUTHOR: THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT!

BOMBA: Oh really? I call it cruelty to cats and the English language. "Stops dead"! What a stupid phrase...

AUTHOR: If we can just get on with THIS fic now...?

 

SCENE ONE

[BOMBALURINA is wandering about, pondering her life and her love.]

BOMBA: "Oh how I wish Tugger would notice me! Oh how I wish he would see how much I truly love him!" (completely cracks up laughing) OK... number 1, of course he notices me! EVERYONE notices me! And number 2... please can we get this straight: I DO NOT LOVE THE RUM TUM TUGGER IN THE LEAST! I THINK HE IS AN EGO-FILLED B-

JENNY: beeeeep!

AUTHOR: Hey! How did you get here?

JENNY: Wherever there is a rude word that needs beeping out, there I will be!

AUTHOR: OK... your assignment for next time: work on a better slogan. Now shut up and listen to Bomba.

BOMBA: "If only he could love me the way that I love him! Oh Tuggero, Tuggero! Wherefore art thou, Tuggero?" (completely deadpans) What the -

JENNY: beeeeeeeep!

BOMBA: did I just say?????

AUTHOR: Bombalurina, please stop swearing. This is supposed to be kitten friendly!

JENNY: Well, I'm afraid it certainly isn't, Ms. Jellicle_Girl!

AUTHOR: Shut up.

BOMBA: "With what passions does my heart rend itself in two!" Rend itself in two? "With what ardour does it writhe? With what fever does it burn? With what love beyond will or reason does it be on fire? With what obsession does it smoulder? (Stops for breath) With what strong feelings does it destroy itself within my bosom?" I cannot believe I'm saying this!!! And just leave the thesaurus alone will you? Strong feelings? Be on fire???

AUTHOR: Stop criticising my script! I can't take it!!

BOMBA: Sorry, but this is the biggest piece of- _sugar_ (smirks at Jenny) that I've ever been forced to say! Oh- _cross stitch_... there's more... "I must go to him and tell him how I feel. No longer can I suffer in the silence of wrath and burning of my suffering!" And I will seriously go crazy if I have to stand spouting more of this er _fudge caking_ er _rubbish_...

 

SCENE TWO  
[Bombalurina's house.]

BOMBA: Excuse me? I'm a cat! I do not have a _flipping_ house!

[...BOMBA is standing on her balcony, gazing out into the... um...mid afternoon sun... TUGGER is in her garden, getting up the courage to come and at last tell her how he feels.]

BOMBA: _BALCONY!?!?_

TUGGER: "Here I am outside my true love's house!" Hey look everyone, it's me! The Ruuuum Tuuuum Tu-ugger!

[A crowd of queens around him start cheer leading.]

ETCETERA: Give me a T! Give me a U! Give me-

AUTHOR: Tugger!? You brought your fan club?

TUGGER: Oh, no, they just kinda invited themselves. They really can't bear to be apart from me. You can understand why...

AUTHOR: Arrrgghhh! OK, you lot, vanish!

[Etcetera etc vanish]

TUGGER: "Here I am outside me true love's house!" Didn't I just say that? "My true love is in yonder house! Within these fair walls is the sweetest treasure of them all. My dear, gentle, fair, pleasant, nice, kind, precious, darling, sweet, melodious, pleasing, agreeable Bomb!" PLEASE leave the thesaurus alone!!

BOMBA: "Oh Tuggero, Tuggero! Wherefore art thou, Tuggero?" I've already said that *beep*ing line!"

AUTHOR: How did Jenny do that? Well, I just thought it was too good a line to waste!

TUGGER: "Oh here I am, Bombalurina!" Huh! I see your inspiration ran out here! "Oh, Bomba, how I have yearned to tell you of me unceasing, undying, truest of true love for you!"

[BOMBA sighs with happiness. BOMBA then sighs with exasperation.]

BOMBA: "Oh Tuggero, Tuggero! Oh, climb up to my windowo, that I might see thy handsome face and look into thine eyes so glazed!" (starts laughing) Eyes so glazed?

TUGGER: How dare you insult me!?

AUTHOR: Hey! That took me ages! It _rhymes!!_ Almost... Well, Tugger, climb up to her window!

TUGGER: Me? Climb a wall?

AUTHOR: Yes!! You're a cat! You're supposed to be able to "run up a wall and swing through the trees"!

TUGGER: But... I'm a lazy spoilt cat!

BOMBA: Oh for *beep*s sake!

[BOMBA climbs down instead]

TUGGER: Hey babe.

BOMBA: Don't even think about it Tugger. Stick to your stupid lines!

TUGGER: OK, OK... "Have not saints lips, and pilgrims too?" What?

AUTHOR: You uncultured swine! It's from Romeo and Juliet! You're asking to kiss her.

TUGGER: Right... yeah... "Have not saints lips, and pilgrims too?"

BOMBA: Yeah maybe, but cats don't.

AUTHOR: Bom-ba!

BOMBA: Whatever, OK, you can kiss me. Er (sigh) I mean..."Lips that they must use in prayer, but since we are cats that doesn't matter so kiss me my darling!"

TUGGER to AUTHOR: Who are you calling uncultured?

AUTHOR: Just kiss. It's supposed to be sweeeeeet!

[TUGGER and BOMBA reach out towards each other to kiss...]

[JENNY enters with VICTORIA, ELECTRA, ETCETERA, JEMIMA, and pulls thick red velvet curtain across scene.]

JENNY: Ahem! I strongly disapprove of this!

[SKIMBLESHANKS appears]

SKIMBLESHANKS: So do I!

[Everyone stares at him]

AUTHOR: Skimble?

SKIMBLESHANKS: What? Just voicing my opinion. Oh! Got to go, Night Mail's leaving... 10 minutes ago...

[SKIMBLESHANKS exits]

AUTHOR: Right... that was interesting. Now, if you don't mind, we'll continue with Tugger and Bomba.

JENNY: Actually, I DO mind.

AUTHOR: Shut up. I-

JENNY: (gasps) Excuuuse me! Now, as I was saying-

AUTHOR: -think you should-

JENNY: -disapprove strongly of thi-

AUTHOR: -and let us continue the-

JENNY: -kittens have a sweet- (breaks off ready for author to interrupt, but she doesn't.)

AUTHOR (after a short pause): Sweet? What's sweet?

JENNY (sighing heavily): As I was _saying..._ I think we will here have a little _sweet_ presentation from some of the kittens.

[ELECTRA, ETCETERA, VICTORIA and JEMIMA smile sweetly.]

JENNY: Now, some people have been complaining that Jemima always gets to sing and Victoria gets all the good dances. So... Today I'm going to let Etcetera dance-

[VICTORIA pouts, ETCETERA grins]

JENNY: And for our little song we'll be hearing-

[ELECTRA smiles in anticipation]

JENNY: -Victoria!

ELECTRA: Hey! How come I never get to do anything?

JENNY (affectionately): Because you're rubbish, dear.

ELECTRA (swelling with anger): _Well!_ Um... Jenny, the cockroaches need some help with cross-stitch!

JENNY: Do they really? Oh, I must help them!

[Dashes off anxiously]

AUTHOR: Well... um... thanks, Electra... I guess.

ELECTRA: (fiercely) I'm not done yet! Etcetera! Isn't that the Rum Tum Tugger over there?

[ETCETERA squeals and runs away]

ELECTRA: Victoria! The Great Rumpus Cat is very lonely today!

VICTORIA: Oh, Rumpy! [Sprints away]

ELECTRA: Jemima...er... Oh look, there's a moon to go sing to!

JEMIMA (the smart one): No there isn't! It's 2 in the afternoon.

ELECTRA: Oh, what the heck.

[ELECTRA bonks JEMIMA on the head]

AUTHOR: Electra! You've just knocked Jemima out!

[ELECTRA glares menacingly]

AUTHOR: N-n-not that I have a problem with that... So... would you like to sing and dance something for us?

ELECTRA (scoffs): Sing and dance? No way! With my new powers I can do much more that that! I can fulfil my life's desire and TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!! Mwa ha ha!!! Be warned all cats and people!

[She runs off, paws flailing.]

AUTHOR: OK... Well, er, back to Tugger and Bomb.

[Draws back red curtain]

[Behind the curtain are revealed: TUGGER, surrounded by DEMETER, CASSANDRA, RUMPELTEAZER and ETCETERA (who must have some sort of homing device) aswell as BOMBALURINA who is trying to groom MUNKUSTRAP at the same time as combat the violent affections of POUNCIVAL]

AUTHOR (shouts): What is going on here??? Tugger! Bomba! Come here! The rest of you, get out! Wait!

All cats: Wait?

AUTHOR: Yes! Munkustrap and Demeter, what were you two DOING? You're supposed to be mates!

DEMETER: I know we're "supposed" to be, but that's only according to certain dubious sources. Have it from me: we're not mates.

MUNKUSTRAP: Didn't we already have this discussion? Have you even read your first fanfic?

AUTHOR: NO! I locked it away in a dark place and try to never think of it ever.

[MUNKUSTRAP raises eyebrows]

AUTHOR: Just get out! NOW!

RUMPELTEAZER: Hee hee hee! Someone's gettin' in a stress!

AUTHOR: RUMPELTEAZER, ONE MORE WORD AND I'LL WRITE A FANFIC ABOUT YOU!

[RUMPELTEAZER runs away as fast as possible screaming in terror at the prospect. Other cats grumble but disappear too, at least from view]

AUTHOR: About time. Now... continue your scene please.

[BOMBA sighs heavily and gives TUGGER a tiny peck on the cheek]

*Aaaaaawwwwwwwww!*

BOMBA: Hey, where'd the *beep*ing sound effects come from?

AUTHOR: Shut up.

TUGGER: "Ever since I first saw you, I knew you were the one for me! Bombalurina, you have set my heart afear!"

BOMBA: Shouldn't that be "afire"? And do you have some sort of obsession with the mutilation of vital organs?

[AUTHOR growls.]

BOMBA: OK, OK. Er, "Oh my dear Rum Tum Tugger, I feel exactly the same way about you! I love you so much!" What? No I don't! Just to get this straight before I have to spout more rubbish: I DON'T love you; I think you're an ego-filled- er maniac. Oh *beep*, here we go again. "I really do love you, I don't think you're an ego filled maniac at all!" This is really not funny anymore!

TUGGER: But this is! Look what happens now!

[TUGGER approaches BOMBA shyly]

BOMBA: Excuse me- _shyly???_

[-he very gently rubs his head against her shoulder and she purrs softly...]

[BOMBA growls ominously]

BOMBA: "Oh! My world is spinning! I've never felt like this before!" (moans) Why do I have to think aloud? WHY??

[TUGGER strokes her gently and she swoons-]

[BOMBA bursts out laughing]

BOMBA: SWOONS??? ME??? *laughs uncontrollably*

[AUTHOR continues narrative stubbornly: into his tender embrace... ]

[BOMBA collapses with laughter. She falls into Tugger and knocks him to the floor.]

AUTHOR: Right! That's it! No catnip for you!

ELECTRA: (having appeared at some point...): Ha ha ha! And no catnip ever for anyone but me! I have got it all in my secret lair! Ha ha ha! I am going to take over the woooorrrrlllllddd! Hee hee hee!

[AUTHOR collapses]

MISTO (having also appeared at some point for no apparent reason by magic of course cos it's cool... and sweet...?): Do you have collapse every time?

AUTHOR (moans): Yup... I think it's becoming a tradition...

 

 

 

 

THE END


	3. jellicle_girl's Christmas Carol Concert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written on Christmas Eve Eve 2001.
> 
> They _kind of sort of_ invoke "gay" as an insult here, which is. a little cringe to say the least. jsyk.

A Jellicle Christmas Carol Concert!

by jellicle_girl

 

AUTHOR: Welcome one and all! No, this isn't a CATS parody of A Christmas Carol. This is just a little show the Jellicles decided to put on for us-

RUMPELTEAZER: Oi! Decided? Er, you mean forced, shou'ed a' an' threatened with wha' 'appened to Cori an' Tant las' toime!!!

MUNKUSTRAP: Has anyone seen Cori and Tant lately?

AUTHOR (starts singing loudly) JOY TO THE WORLD!! LA LA LAAA LAAA!!

DEMETER (unblocks ears tentatively): OUCH! Are you quite finished?

AUTHOR: What? Oh yeah, singing.

DEMETER: You call that singing????

AUTHOR (looking very hurt) Well yes actually I do! Anyway, let us never speak of Coricopat and Tantomile again.

MUNKUSTRAP: Last I heard, they were headed for the RSPCA-

AUTHOR: JOY TO THE WORLD!!!

MUNKUSTRAP: -after being tied up and gagged for the whole of your last fan fic.

AUTHOR: LA LA LAAA LAAAAAA!

DEMETER: You really should learn the words, you know.

AUTHOR: No I shouldn't. I'M not the one doing the carol concert anyway. You are. Right! Now everyone line up in nice little lines!

[All Jellicles suddenly appear lined up neatly.]

TUGGER: Hey! What's going on?

DEMETER: We're being forced to do a fic for Jellicle_girl again. No- worse. A carol concert.

AUTHOR: Oh come on! What about Christmas spirit?

RUMPELTEAZER: Nope! Don' see any around 'ere.

AUTHOR: You lot are hopeless! Maybe we _SHOULD_ do A Christmas Carol just to teach you a lesson.

[There is an uproar]

ALL CATS: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

AUTHOR: OK, OK... Well let get on with the concert then.

[JENNYANYDOTS raises a hand]

AUTHOR: ....yes?

JENNY: I really don't think much of the decoration, to be honest, Ms Jellicle_girl.

[Everyone looks around at the junkyard which is liberally and tastelessly covered in tinsel]

AUTHOR: I was pushed for time, OK???

[JENNY purses lips]

JENNY: But really... if you'd just told me... I could have done wonders with a couple tree branches and pine cones and a bit of spray paint... You've really just not made an effort.

AUTHOR: OK, OK... You can decorate all you like AFTERWARDS, OK? We're keeping the audience waiting!

RUMPELTEAZER: Wha' audience? You don' seriously think anyone's gonna read this do ya?

AUTHOR: I'm sure they will. Won't you? Please keep reading!!

DEMETER: OK... that was pretty pathetic. I didn't think even you resorted to blatant begging.

AUTHOR: Well, not normally. Anyway. Let's start. Jingle Bells!

[Everyone starts singing Jingle Bells in varying keys without any enthusiasm at all, apart from Jenny, singing about one and a half octaves above anyone else. And two other cats who are singing very lustily indeed...]

ELECTRA and TUMBLEBRUTUS: JINGLE BELLS, TUGGER SMELLS, HE SHOULD GO AWAY! HIS EGO'S BIG AS A FATTENED PIG AND WE THINK HE MIGHT BE G-

AUTHOR: Hey!!!! Stop that right now!

TUGGER: (incredulously) Electra?? I thought you loved me!

ELECTRA (shrugs): Meh. Apparently not.

AUTHOR: And "fattened pig"?? Where did that come from?

TUMBLEBRUTUS: Well, Jemima helped us with the lyrics a bit. There's more, d'you wanna hear?

TUGGER: JEMIMA???

JEMIMA: Sorry, Rum Tum...

TUGGER: I'm gonna cry... Victoria? You still love me don't you?

TUMBLEBRUTUS: Oh no, she only has eyes for the Rumpus Cat now.

VICTORIA: (punches TUMBLEBRUTUS) Shut up, you!

TUGGER: Etcetera????

ETC: Yeah, guess so. I dunno though, seeing how uncool you've suddenly got...

TUMBLEBRUTUS: Speaking of the Great Rumpus Cat-

AUTHOR: We were?

TUMBLEBRUTUS: -yeah. Where is he anyway?

AUTHOR: WHO CARES???

VICTORIA: _I_ care!

TUMBLEBRUTUS: Oooh!

VICTORIA: Shut _up_!

MUNKUSTRAP: Actually, you know, the GRC's not the only cat who's missing...

AUTHOR: (buries head in hands) Oh no....

[enter MACAVITY]

MACAVITY: Oh come on, it just wouldn't be a fan fic without....

DEMETER: **MACAVITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

AUTHOR: Now why couldn't you been that dramatic in the first fanfic??

DEMETER: Dunno, didn't feel like it, I guess.

AUTHOR (sighs heavily): Er, hi there, Macavity... Would you like to be part of our carol concert?

MACAVITY: What?

AUTHOR: We're having a lovely little carol concert. Um, you could sing a solo if you want...

MACAVITY: I-I could? A solo? M-me? Well, I must admit, I've always wanted to... A kind of kittenhood dream, y'know? Ahem...

[MACAVITY walks out to centre stage...]

RUMPELTEAZER: We 'ave a staige? Oi didn't notice.

[The rest of the stage is plunged into darkness as he takes the spotlight...)

RUMPELTEAZER: We 'ave a SPOTLIGHT????

MACAVITY (in a very strange deep bass voice) Haaaaaave yourseeeeeelf AAAAaaaaa merrry little Chriiiiistmaaaaaas......

AUTHOR: He's not bad...!

(10 minutes later)

MACAVITY: May your days be merrYYYYYYY and BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT....

RUMPELTEAZER: (yawning) Is 'e done yet?

[RUMPELTEAZER stretches and accidentally scratches TUMBLEBRUTUS with her claws]

TUMBLEBRUTUS: Ey! Vicki, cut it out!

VICTORIA (from across the other side of the stage) Me?? What did I do?

TUMBLEBRUTUS: What did you do? Only nearly claw my eyes out!

VICTORIA: How could I? I'm way over here!

TUMBLEBRUTUS (who can't see in the dark very well!) Over where?

[VICTORIA jumps across the stage and knocks RUMPELTEAZER into TUMBLEBRUTUS]

TUMBLEBRUTUS and RUMPELTEAZER: OW!!

TUMBLEBRUTUS: Right! That's it! You asked for it, Victoria! [attacks]

AUTHOR: Stopitstopitstopit!!! [jumps accross stage and tries to separate two fighting cats]

[Enter CORICOPAT, TANTOMILE and 3 RSPCA inspectors]

CORICOPAT: This is the one I told you about! See look, she's attacking two innocent- well comparatively innocent - kittens right now!!

[TANTOMILE nods emphatically]

INSPECTOR 1: What do you think you're doing, Madam?

AUTHOR: Ow! Don't kill me! Macavity singing... Teazer scratched Tumble and he thought it was Victoria and she- he couldn't see and it was so dark! So dark!

INSPECTOR 2: You know, I'm not sure this is our department...

INSPECTOR 3: Yeah, they certainly didn't cover insanity in the job description.

INSPECTOR 1: Come along Madam.

AUTHOR: But no! The concert.... joy to the world... NOOOO! The end? But- no! The tradition! I'm supposed to collapse at the end of every fic!! Nooooooo.....

[INSPECTORS exchange worried glances.]

ELECTRA and TUMBLE start singing again: JINGLE BELLS, TUGGER SMELLS, HE SHOULD GO AWAY....

AUTHOR: No... Electra.... such a nice kitten really... don't listen to him! And Jemima! How could you?... noooo.....

INSPECTOR 2: Have you had a little too much egg nog do you think?

INSPECTOR 3: Or catnip, perhaps? (laughs uproariously at his own joke)

AUTHOR: NOOOOOOO.... Christmas spirit and a lot of pretty tinsel... yey....

[TANTOMILE taps CORICOPAT on the shoulder and he draws magic red curtain mercifully across scene.]

MACAVITY: And althoooooough it's been said, many times, many waaaaaaays.... MEEEEEERRRRYY CHRRIIIIIIIISTMAAAAASSS TOOOOOOOOOOOO EYOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> These fics were written in 2001 and archived on ao3 in 2018.
> 
> Look I think they're important historical records of a simpler time....
> 
> ( ~~There was a longer and much more ambitious 3rd Fic in progress that was never finished, and now I kind of want to...~~ )


End file.
